On Being Exclusive, plus a bonus rant

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I have just added a note to the top of the blog page about how the forum is for people with Cyclothymia. I didn't want to do it, and I waited nine years, but in the last few months the forum has been visited by an increasing number of people who clearly are BP1 or BP2, who get angry or indignant that we cannot understand their problems.

It is a simple fact that the Cyclothmic experience is different from that of BP1 or BP2. The biggest difference is that Cyclothymia is mild. Our crises happen quietly, often secretly and often in the form of anxiety and paranoia or recurrent existential thoughts. We may be depressed, but we are not incapacitated; we may go hypomanic, but it does not go much past talking too much; we may think about how it would be nice to put an end to the constant flow of anxious thoughts by ending out lives, but we do not get to the point of specifically thinking of what methods to use or make plans for that.

So, a lot of it is similar, but then it isn't. When people with BP1 or 2 come on the forum, it is clear immediately, at least to me. The way of expression is more forceful, the walls of denial higher. I have only been insulted by people with BP2...but to be fair, it seems those individuals also seem to have had some form of personality disorder. Not all people with BP2 are like that, of course. A few have come in to the forum and made substantial contributions with their sensitivity and insight. People like that are always welcome.

Now for the scheduled rant: Please do your homework before you join the forum. Most everything about drugs and treatment can be learned from a simple search. Wikipedia offers good, basic information, psych.com is better. Do not come onto the forum and ask "what is an anti-depressant?" and then get indignant when I recommend that you go look it up. One of the biggest parts of living with a neurological disorder is taking responsibility for it, which means researching everything your doctor tells you, everything he/she prescribes. We can help with the finer points and we are especially good at talking about how things work or feel, but answering questions as basic as "what is a mood stabilizer" when you are already on one is just lazy.

Rant finished.

Online Tests for Bipolar

Monday, May 11, 2009

On the forum in the last few months people have been taking two online tests for bipolar disorder:

The Goldberg Bipolar Screening Quiz at Psych Central

Bipolar Disorder Self-Test.

This has been interesting. I have taken each at least three times, at different stages of my treatment, at "semi,stable", "pretty much stable" and today, at "stable", and each time I thought the tests were accurate (although it must be noted that the Black Dog test only screens for manic symptoms, so it is not a true "Bipolar" test). I scored somithgn like, 45, 18, and now 1 on the Psych Central Test.

Most of the other people on the forum who have taken the test scored in the 30s to 40s (moderate Bipolar to serious) and said either "I must be worse off than I thought" or flat out "This is wrong." A few people have agreed.

I suspect that most of us have been dealing with this for so long that we either minimize it or deny it is as bad as it is.

Are the tests accurate? I think so. Should you show them to your doctor? You should bring it up. You can say, "I was on an online forum for (depression, mood disorders, whatever) and we all decided to take some online tests and compare scores. Out of x points, I scored y on the Bipolar test. The Bipolar people in the group scored about the same as I did. I know it's just an online thing, but I wanted to bring it up."

I did this with ADHD. I knew my pdoc had no training in it. There us only one specialist in this country and it is not him. He thought it was worth considering since most of the other people scored under 50 and I scored 83.

Neurodiversity website

Monday, February 9, 2009

I just came across this website: Neurodiversity.com. It sadly has nothing about Bipolar as far as I can tell. It has tons on autism and other conditions and a wealth of links to how to deal with being different, how to cope, etc. I suspect that much of it overlaps with Bipolar. I'll be working my way through these links and will report on what I find.

Cyclothymic Moods

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I was playing with the chart options in Word 2008 and made this. I think it is an accurate description of how I experience Bipolar Disorder, with hypomania on top, depression on the bottom and the mixed state in the middle. Stable is there at the base, holding things together. Not terribly earth shattering, but it shows that the mixed state is at the center of the experience. People seem to be able to muddle through with depression for years, and they enjoy being hypomanic. It's when things start getting mixsy that they go in for help. Because it really is insufferable. It is what makes us mess up marriages, lose friends, lose jobs, turn to alcohol and other drugs, take unwise risks, think about killing ourselves. So why do so many people who visit the forum seem surprised to learn that there is a third mood? So I'm putting it right dab center for us all to stand back and admire.

What is "depression" ?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

In reply to a forum post on a site about something entirely different, I wrote this:

I agree that the statement "depression is misunderstood" is true.

Most people think depression can be defined as "you are down about something for a while, then you pick yourself back up." This kind of depression does not require professional help, or it might respond well to behavioral therapy.

The depression that requires chemical assistance and does not respond to talk therapy is something else.

It is a neurological condition involving things called reuptake inhibitors, basically resulting in an inability to absorb seratonin or dopamine. Trouble with these hormones can lead to feeling depressed, but in the French form of the word, "lacking pressure", or impulsion in life. It results in reduced feeling, reduced interest in life, an inability to create or engage in planning, or even just give a shit. It might lead to suicidal ideation, or even suicide. 25% of people diagnosed ith Bipolar Disorder attempt suicide at least once.

It's okay to say, "My boyfriend left me, I'm depressed, boo hoo hoo," but try saying, "I am still grieving the death of my father five years ago." Unfortunately this second kind shares a name with the first. What if the lack of feeling, the suicidal ideation were called, for example, Woolf Syndrome (after Virginia Woolf, who is a well known depression victim)? "I am receiving treatment for a neurological condition called Woolf's Syndrome" would find a more sympathetic audience than "I am receiving treatment for depression."

Kind of Mixy

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I've been very busy at work, editing, editing and doing more editing. This is the first year my brain hasn't gone completely fried as a result. I credit the Wellbutrin.

I am, however, noticing that I am entering into a mixed state. It's not that I have been hypomanic, just really focused for six weeks and now that I am reaching the end of the pile, I am starting to come down.

Here's how I feel:
I feel like I have a slight buzzing in my body.
I'm concerned about the neighborhood (peaceful neighborhood, no reason for fear)
Worried about work, political stuff...when there really are none
Am of the opinion that what I do is bullsh*t.
General anxiety.

It's mild, but they are all there. Time to break out the Xanax. I estimate another three days of heavy work and then I can do some relaxing....unless one of my other bosses decides to dump on me :P

Lithium and creativity

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I have had the nicest week. No work at the office, so I have been riding my horse and working on my NaNoWriMo novel re-write. I may have mentioned before that while I wrote compulsively as a teenager, I had never finished a piece of fiction before this. I stopped writing fiction in college and turned to technical writing. NaNoWriMo was great because I had to complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. And I did it, with two days to spare.

Never having finished anything before, I have no experience with rewriting a piece of fiction. I had no idea that it could be so engrossing, and so much fun. I just came to the part where the main characters have to part and I got choked up. Silly, but true. And surprising.

A whole new world is opening up for me. I have always been creative. I have made quilts and had photographs published, designed websites, and done other thingsbut none of them has been as exciting as this.

When I was 7 years old my father brought home his Smith-Corona typewriter and I fell in love. I started writing plays and then advanced to longer pieces, some of which I did finish...but when the BP kicked in around 8th grade the writing ceased to be a reasoned activity and became a love-hate-addiction kind of relationship. I was in the habit of writing, but went through periods when I couldn't write, and then doubted everything I had written. And then in college I just gave up. It was just too hard.

Twenty-five years have passed. I've been on Lithium for eight years now. The general bellief is that Lithium will kill your creativity, but I am no so sure about that. In these eight years I have taught myself web design and have created websites for work, charities and hobbies; I have gotten reinvolved in photography and learned a great deal about Photoshop; I have bought a horse and started to learn the complex discipline of dressage, and now...now I am rewriting MY NOVEL.

It may not be a great novel, but it is MY NOVEL. It is something I had given up planning or hoping to do. Having evidence of this thing which for so many years I wanted to do but was unable to do, is thrilling.

I owe it all to being on meds. Maybe other mood stabilizers can do the same for people; Lithium has done this for me. I wanted to write about my experience with it in order to put a positive story about it out there to let people know it can happen. Lithium doesn't mean saying goodbye to creativity.

In a lecture in 2000 at the Manic Depressive Association of Boston (highlights of lecture here "Dr. Frankenberg presented a study of bipolar artists that were asked how their creativity fared now that they were taking lithium. One-third said their creativity was great, one-third noticed no difference, and the remaining one-third thought it had suffered."