The cyclothymia collective

As much as doctors wish we wouldn't, we do like to diagnose ourselves. I knew I had some form of Bipolar Disorder for almost 20 years before I sought formal care. From 1992 I had Internet access, so I knew what was wrong with me more or less, and was trying to cope with my mood swings through fitness, healthy eating, behavior modification, meditation, and Benadryl.

Getting help

What kept me from seeking out help? Well, I did seek out help, but from the wrong people. In high school, my parents and the family doctor said it was just adolescence and "attention-seeking." When I approached a beloved teacher about feeling I was fundamentally different from other people, he said, "We all feel that way."

When I got to college and described my feelings to the student health center's general practioner, he winked at me and said I needed to have my boyfriend give me a massage. When I went to the Counseling Center to ask for help because I was unable to tolerate my room mates, the psychologist on duty laughed and told me that a woman with my appearance, social skills, and family background could not possibly have any problems!! A month before graduation, the Women's Health Center's nurse practitioner diagnosed it correctly as "borderline manic-depression" (back then there was no classification for Cyclothymia), but suggested I try going back on the Pill.

When I was in grad school, I talked it over with my dad, who was a counseling psychology professor. He was adament that mood could be overcome with correct thinking (he was into Rational Emotive Therapy ). When, a few months before I was finally forced by my body to find help, I asked a good friend of mine, a professor of neurology, about mood swings and seasonal fluctuations, he dismissed them, saying that SAD is a sub-group of manic-depressive disorder and that I in no way
met any of the criteria for manic-depression.

Know who and what you need

My point with all this is that you can approach all the people you wantabout it, even highly trained professionals in the mental health field,but if you do not know exactly what kind of doctor you need to see-- one who will know what you are talking about and, more important, take it seriously-- you are unlikely to get the help you need.

When my low-grade depression began to produce a feeling of constant anxiety, what I call "Chicken Little Syndrome," and I began to be unable to recover from meltdowns, I sought help. This time I contacted a psychopharmacologist whose special interest is Bipolar Disorder. (A psychopharmacologist specializes in medications, unlike other psychiatrists who might specialize in therapy, or a mixture of therapy and medications.)

Go in prepared

Before I went in for our first meeting, I sat down and made a timeline of my mood swings, starting fromthe beginninng (about age 14). I also took an online depression test. Doctors may roll their eyes at these, but as the tests ask the same questions the doctors do when taking an inventory of symptoms, I think it's good to have the list, with any comments you want to make written in the margins, going into the meeting. Because I had my history all written out, I was able to present my case with all the details, which I might not otherwise have been able to do given my miserable state. It's hard to confess everything to a stranger through a face full of tissues. And doubly hard if you have to admit to having constant thoughts about the point of your existence. He read everything while I emptied his tissue container. =

It was a strange moment. I felt like I was an outlaw on the run finally come into town with my hands up. I was too frazzled to go on with it, and very willing to have the burden removed, or at least alleviated, even if it meant "giving in" to medications. He diagnosed me as being "Cyclothymic with BPII tendency," which means I have some hyper moments, but mostly am fighting low-grade depression and dysphoria (irritable hypomania, or mixed state).

Go directly to a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist if you think you have Cyclothymia. A counselor or psychologist may be able to help youwith the behavioral aspects of Cyclothymia or side issues that might be making it worse, but such professionals are unable to prescribemedications, and --as in my case-- may even tell you that medications are unnecessary. Your chances of reestablishing some sort of normalcy in life are much greater if you seek out a psychiatrist who 1) believes Cyclothymia exists, and 2) knows what to do about it.