The cyclothymia collective

It's Monday. The weekend was horrible. I have been a mass of raw nerves. On Saturday I took my daughter riding and then we went to the fitness club to work out. I really didn't want to. I wanted to go home and take some Xanax and curl up in front of our overlarge TV. Winston Churchill called his depression "The Black Dog." I do not know if it necessarily "black", but it is a dog and it does nip and bite and then settle in to gnaw my bones (my nerves). Instead of dealing with the weights, I took my dog onto the treadmill and upped the speed until I was walking so fast I did not have the energy to be thinking much of anything at all, which brings some measure of relief.

I felt in danger of snapping, or of bursting into tears. I felt incompetent and stupid and overly self-absorbed. I write these things not to attract any pity, but to have a record of them. It is one of the hallmarks of Bipolar Disorder that the depressed individual cannot remember having been happy and the hypomanic person can not imagine ever having been down. This is what the down feels like.

My daughter had plans to stay with a friend that night, and my husband is away on business. As soon as I got home I went for the Xanax, put on my pajamas, baked some cookies in our new oven, and took them along with a big glass of milk in to to watch an old movie. I think it is important to be nice too yourself when down. Getting angry or disappointed in yourself for being down just makes it worse.

On Sunday, more Xanax. I slept until 10:00, very late for me. I napped all afternoon.

Today, Monday, I feel awful. It's like a hangover but not. There isn't that awful post-alcohol feeling, but the non-functionality is there.I feel very fragile. I walked around the neighborhood to get some things and I felt so removed from everything and everyone. I feel like I was on a roller coaster and when the ride ended, I was dumped on the ground unceremoniously.

I feel desperate to have my husband come back from his business trip. Usually I am an unusually independent person, but today, nope. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, I want to be invisible and safe. It bothers me that I am such a wimp about him when I am down. It shouldn't bother me-- after all, we have been together twenty years and he 's my best friend...I guesss it makes me feel like the old independent me islost forever.

A big problem I have is that when I was feeling up, I accepted some projects for work that I can't possibly do today. While there is no way for the clients to know that I have done no work for them, and am messing around on the computer, I have the irrational feeling that they know.

Sigh.

I'm in danger with my work, by the way. I just FEEL vulnerable.

On the bright side, when I was zoned out on Xanax yesterday I took myself to the shopping area near our house (by taxi) and bought a pair of jeans and a new bra. I've gained enough weight recently that precious little fits, but I was refusing to buy anything for the new sized me-- so this was very good. I even had lunch in one of the restaurants in the food court. Long nap when I came home.

About the Xanax. It is prescribed to me to be taken "as needed." Usually i don't need it and I don't even think about it. I am in no danger of becoming addicted to it. When I take it when I am not in a horrible mixed state it actually doesn't have much effect on me, but when my mind is racing, BAM, it is so helpful.