The cyclothymia collective

I have just been through my first full cycle while on my new anti-depressant. I switched from Zoloft to Zyban after I read that Zyban is a good choice for treating ADHD. Once I became fairly stable, I became aware that even when on an even keel, my mind was always racing. On the forum someone started talking about ADD/ADHD and then I found an online test for it and several of us took it. My forum mates had scores like 24, 34, 42. Mine was 83. Which was the beginning of my suspicions.

Last fall my daughter, who is 15, started commenting on how distracted I was and then I became aware that I was spending almost all of my awake time online or "engaged". I would kind of feel panicky when I couldn't be with my computer. It wasn't an addiction, but I realized that it was not normal or healthy. There were other symptoms (constantly jiggling my leg, for example). I started researching ADD/ADHD in earnest, and what kind of meds I could try as a person with Bipolar. The usual ADD drugs, Straterra and Adderall can sent a person with BP into hypomania. The only drug recommended for people with BP was Wellbutrin (Zyban).

When I had an appointment with my pdoc, I laid out my case. He had been talking about switching my antidepressant anyway, so when I suggested Zyban he said yes. He is not an ADD/ADHD expert. Where I live there are very few of them, and even fewer (like non) specializing in adult ADD. Which is why I did my own research. Because he might have switched me to Zyban anyway, trying it for ADD/ADHD seemed a reasonable move.

SO I've been on Zyban, with Lithium, for two and a half months. This is what I can say: I am able to focus for the first time in my life. I can really see my environment, listen to music, talk to people and be really present. When I am working, I can just sit down and get things done. It's amazing. I have started taking an interest in my appearance (I've always been well groomed; but for a long time I didn't care about fashion, trends. I felt like an outsider looking in).

On the negative side, because I can really focus now, when the dysphoria came along I could really feel it. It was more intense than it ever has been because I could pay attention to it. Before, when I felt like there were always multiple television sets on in my head at the same time, dysphoria was just another television set. There would be a crowding of the ADHD stuff (overbusy mind, distractibility) with the BP stuff (nasty negative emotions). It was always a confusing, disheartening time. So take out the televisions and leave the BP and...woooooah....unpleasant!

Definitely need to go have my blood checked to see what is up with the Lithium. In December it was on the low side. Hopefully, it is still low and upping it to get within therapeutic range will be easy. If not, then I will have to ask for a different mood-stabilizer.

So the Zyban is good for the ADHD, not so good for the BP, but maybe checking my Lithium levels will fix it.